Whenever I'm sad I just imagine if babies were born with mustaches...
Okay call me later ill be watching lifetime and scrubbing throw up off my feet
Abby. I can text perfectly. I pledge allegiance to the flag of the united states of america. and to the republic, for which we stand, one nation under god indivisible and with liberty and justice for all god bless america
Asking him not to sleep with other girls is like asking me not to have my period apparently
Holy shit, you lost your virginity on 11/11/11. Now every time someone fucks you, they can make a wish. Your vagina has officially been transformed into a wishing well.
He's going to let me keep his bowl in my car. Does that make us Facebook official?
When was the last time you made a good decision when you could've made a shitty one
I had a salad today
Screwed a girl without a condom but hey at least you got your veggies
Dude you asked your tattoo if it wanted to go swimming
I don't think I can recall what a 23 year old cock felt like if one slapped me in the face.
orgasmnado...tomorrow night
That's what I'm talking about
I may watch porn and eat a baked potato covered in chili in bed
We are the best cocktail. We look appealing, taste amazing, and ruin lives.
Who the abstract fuck do you think you are!?
Congratulations! We have a period
Got baked and laid and ate baked lays when I laid down while baking the brownies I I’m Superman
You’re still high, aren’t you?
Oh yeah
Randomize