alcohol turns me into mario batali of easy mac
I only knew it was midnight because i got happy new years texts while i puked outside
the spit in my mouth is still 99% not mine.
my resolution for 2011 is to fuck him whenever he wants it. this year I'm going above and beyond the call of booty.
So I've gone into the break room to heat up a styrofoam cup 8 times over the course of 4 hours.. that desperate to see him. Now I have a broken heart AND cancer.
I'm stranded in the Hampton area. Looks like I'm going to have to take one for the team and pass out by this applebees.
she's drunk at 2 in the afternoon again. at least my mother is predictable.
I can dream in two languages, but it's still about ripping a bong.
You straight up wore me out. This should be a proud moment for you. It's almost like my penis is asking for a timeout. But not really
As soon as the clock wound down to zero, she declared "HALF-TIME HEAD" and pulled down my pants. After the swallow, she said "BEER CHASER," got me a new one, and asked if she could make me a sandwich. Pretty sure she's lobbying hard for a ring.
just saw a kid get pissed on buy a tiger at the zoo. His dad is rofling and the kid is crying. I think I have to go make a new friend
See I would make a great girlfriend. My surprises are sex and burritos. What else do guys want
I am convinced you could sleep through the apocalypse and only wake up because youre hungry & want Dominoes
gave out my moms phone number instead of mine last night... thattttttttttttttt dunk.
I woke up while she was taking a panoramic photo of my morning wood
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