Oh my god you would drunk register for a marathon.
Lesson 1: you can't keep macking on a girl if you get handcuffed
You compared your dick to a twizzler. In no way, shape, or form is that a turn on.
well now i know if i ever need to drive puke and talk on the phone at the same time i can
The bouncer was kicking me out and I put up my finger for him to wait while I chugged the rest of my drink..all he could say is "are you serious right now?"
I feel like god wrote up a contract of my life, and i just signed off on that shit without reading the fine print.
At one point he was so drunk he was carrying around a bottle of patron drinking out of it and falling everywhere and every time he spilled it he would scream "THERE GOES TWENTY DOLLARS."
Why did I wake up with condoms on all my fingers?
Considering the girl you hooked up with, I'd be concerned about not having one on your penis.
I mean.. listen to "Put It In My Mouth" and you'll get the gist of my voicemail for you.
I seriously doubt I'm gonna be able to properly put your dick in my mouth whilst upside down, but I'm willing to give it my best shot
I asked him for something to clean up with after sex and he handed me a sham wow. A SHAM WOW
its 8 and I'm HUNGOVER!! how is that possible??
True I am eskimo brothers with every one of my room mates, but it was only two girls. And 9 outta 10 times I was first
What are u up to today?
Marathon sex and eating.
THEY WILL NOT STOP FLINGING CARDS AROUND THE ROOM! It has been four hours. HOW CAN IT STILL BE ENTERTAINING?!?! I will be under the table if you need me.
Randomize
