Shes cool when Im fuckin smashed.....Sober.....She suuuuuuuuuuucks
Turns out I'm like the Wayne Gretzky of hiding cum. Who knew?
I'm scared. I feel like she's my mom and she just walked in on me having sex. Like she's "disappointed"
What the hell did I do to get youtube to recommend a video for me called "how to increase your chances of getting pregnant"?
Peed in a church parking lot last night. As if Jesus didnt hate me enough already.
there are 10 yearolds here who keep calling me on the elbow rule!
Wait are they playing beer pong to?
Should you consider yourself out of control when everyone at the party is cheering you on while you're puking, and on the last heave you act like you're rolling dice right before the finale???
2nd night home for break and we had to call the fire department to keep the house from burning down. At this rate I'll be lucky to see you next semester.
Because it is about to snow, I sent him for Diet Coke and cigarettes. It's the gay version of milk and bread.
Everything's fine I'm just stoned and my pillows are too soft.
He called me on my way to the bathroom and told me he wanted to hear me pee my beers out... That. Drunk.
I just windexed my mirror headboard, Lets get to work.
He looked at me like he knew me, and I looked at him like I had seen his penis before.
At this point I think you're just judging my taste in men
Turns out my GF and my FWB have a mutual friend. Yada yada yada, I need to crash on your couch
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