is it considered a "problem" when you find a pickle slice in your bed in the morning or is it like a "super-awesome bonus"?
Try denying you're gay when "I'm Not A Girl, But Not Yet A Woman" comes on Shuffle.
No, he will live forever, like cockroaches and Jack Bauer.
I left a cheeto on everyone's car trailing to the house i'm at, hanzel and gretel style.
They thought I was the paid stripper pretty much, and a lady tried to set me up with her nephew and then wanted to get my number for lesbian daughter... A typical night for me
Got a blowie from her in the cab on the way home. Made awkward eye contact with the cabbie who said, and I quote "Keep the mess in her mouth bro", I did so only out of respect
It's just my hair. It brings natural happiness. Like goldfish, big boobs, and milkshakes.
Slutty costumes are my most sacred holiday tradition! Wearing a not-slutty costume is like putting cheezwiz on a communion wafer.
Beautiful fucking linguistics Shakespeare, but youre still not doing that to my face
end of the world party next friday. virgin sacrifice. tell me you know someone whos still a virgin
I wish the guy I was sleeping with wasn't on house arrest.
Fuck you. I've got onesies to keep me warm at night. And this bottle.
Sometimes, being an adult means buying a bottle of whiskey after work and live tweeting the commercial breaks on food network.
So I "accidentally" brought my road beers into church for this wedding
And they fell out of my pocket on the pew. Made quite a noise...safe to say I'm batting a thousand
We havent had power for three days. What else is there to do besides drink and fuck? I thought that was obvious.
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