batman just walked across the sidewalk
lay off the drugs
no for real he was wearing a cape
Killed two birds with one stone: found my wallet and unclogged the toilet.
about to try to wax my asshole... wish me luck
no memory loss, but i'm unhappy with my memories
Remember when you tried to pay that stripper to cry on stage?
whatever. i almost had sex in a car with someone passed out in the back seat. phone's not my biggest worry.
I'm not asking you to commit. I'm politely asking your penis to be my friend.
The best part of last night was the women's softball game on the TV at the strip club
I will kill you in such a brutal way if you ever de-pants me again on the dance floor it will make the stock market ticker
So what are you going to be for halloween?
A woman sitting on her couch watching Hocus Pocus.
My brother really should've known better than to make me go egg hunting with his daughter when I was entirely too drunk to do so. Threw up in a plant in front of her.
Tears For Fears is the only thing getting me through life at this moment.
She was blacked out on the couch MASTURBATING and whispering to her boyfriend...who wasn't there. I yelled her name and she didn't even pause.
So here I am, sexting at work.
I was supposed to see Marcus tonight and he cancelled. Listen, I shaved my butt hole. Somebody is getting this WAP 😂😂😂😂
Randomize
