hahah your definitly as dumb as I think I thought you are. boom roasted.
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
Do you think unemployment will give me a christmas bonus?
so i think im going to actually use my calories on food today instead of beer.
She sent me a text saying she picked out 17 different Halloween costumes for our kids when they hit the age of 4... The cling factor should have me running right now but honestly I'm just curious
I don't want to die alone with cake watching shows about cake
My ex just sent me a message asking if she could blow me, but only if we get caught by her new bf. If she promises to swallow I'm doing it.
he's the second guy to suck on my nipple in front of my friends that i haven't made out with.
She yelled "taste the gay rainbow" in a biker bar. She's either brave or fuckin stupid.
JUST BECAUSE I LIKE TO BE TIED UP AND SPANKED DOESNT MEAN IM GOING TO LIKE TO BE TIED UP AND SPANKED AT WORK
I think I sold my soul to a dominatrix last night.
Someone left a middle school yearbook here. I recognized one kid from banging his mom last year.
All I did was call him a fucker when he took my pot. He didn't have to arrest me.
"fuck it, let's do moonshine" shouldn't be in ANYONE'S vocabulary.
He's eating a sriracha ravioli sandwich. How do you think the night is going?
Randomize
