I tried booty calling last night but apparently he was too tired and wants to meet up tonight. I told him planning defeats the purpose.
I mixed the ketchup wit the mustard in one bottle to save time making hotdogs
Note: footlong is not the password to the subway wi fi network.. p.s- im super high
Hey bro u need to come home now, me and andy just had a 15 minute conversation about fig newtons. f this bong
my girlfriend just compared my daughters eyes to gollum from lord of the rings.
WHYAREWHITEGUYSSOBADINBED?! What the fuck went wrong, evolution?
I can't believe he just friend zoned me like that.
Dude, you're not even gay.
Giiiirl. Just had a BM that almost killed me.
I've discovered my ability to crush a man's ego is greater than my hate for beer.
You kept trying to make cocktails with my protein powder last night...
His favorite stripper is going to jail. He's taking it pretty hard
Open the door and I will lure them out to freedom with viagra and candy orange slices. You know they love that shit.
Wtf happened last night
You traded your bra for a shot so I'd say you probably don't wanna know
ok first of all what the fuck
You kept apologizing to your car for talking behind its back
Randomize
