Who has a tranny cab driver? I have a tranny cab driver.
Why did that cocktail waitress get to sleep with Tiger for 2 years, and all I ever got for living in Whorelando for five years is a couple of pictures with Joey Fatone
Can we please have a moment of silence for my reputation?
Y'know, without the cops, it would've just been us daydrinking,
they got in a fight during sex...she came out yelling and covered in chocolate
He showed up to the Seder drunk and tried to convince everyone that he could read Hebrew.
If the blood belongs to whoever dumped glitter all over my couch than the motherfucker got what was coming to them. If not, I hope they're ok.
Im drinking ciroc out of an ice cream cone... my night is going fantastic
IT'S LINGERIE PURCHASED FROM A FLEA MARKET, THE ONLY THING IT'S GOING TO BE POSITIVE FOR IS A TEST FOR HIV
No more stories ab the wkend for co-workers... No one else found "and I didn't have pants on when I got home Saturday night" as funny as I did.
I'm a bit offended I got no nudies back but it's whatever
They're in the mail. Snapchats too fast. I want the suspense.
I just smoked weed with my physics professor. Tell me how my life is this.
I just jerked him off with one hand while holding my wine glass with the other and watching Congo. I feel like this was a preview to my married life...
THAT'S NOT NICE
NEITHER WAS PROMISING NOT TO TAKE MY SISTER'S VIRGINITY, THEN PROMPTLY DOING SO
Look fucker, my sensibility and attention to detail is the ONLY REASON you're not dead now
Randomize
