I sent out a mass text that said "margaritas for Jesus?" and nobody responded, worst Easter ever.
So instead of getting the if-you-hurt-my-little-girl-youre-dead talk, i got the alcohol-is-our-friend talk, i like her dad already
sometimes i wish i was a boob, they get to chill in soft and cuddly little cup things.
You've got the short couch unless you find some girl to take you home
Challenge accepted.
Your panties and toothbrush are in your mailbox. just not ready to be with anyone serious. take care.
And your cousins porn shouldn't have been the first straight porn you watched. And for that I am sorry
Nah. And this is true. It's like you were trained by sexual Jedi or something.
*jedi wave* this is the penis you were looking for
I mean I love some drunk compliments, but he just wasn't up to my low standards.
he sent me the greatest dick pic I've ever received.
he actually took the time to cut a fingertip off of a glove then put it on his dick like a beanie. he called it hipster dick.
Too stoned. Randomly can't get the image of Emilio estevez's smiling face out of my head. What is life.
According to timehop today marks the 3rd anniversary of my 1st blackout
I keep track of what day of the week it is by my recent destinations on my nav system. \nRight now it's: booty call, bar, booty call, brunch, bar, church so that must mean we are getting close to Sunday when we start the rotation all over again.
I walked in on a circlejerk after punching that guy out. Instant karma.
He was cute in a Sketchy-trying-to-sell-you-a-vaccum-at-9-at-night kinda way.
Want to go to Victoria’s Secret? His fiancée is out of town and I’m going to try and stop the wedding with lingerie and lots adventurous sex
Absolutely! I love a good sexual filibuster!
Randomize
