I just puked into a plastic bag at a red light. Go me.
this dude just took some girl under your house for half an hour. you may have helped a 17 year old fuck on the beach for the first time. congrats.
also. he gave me a foot massage during 69ing when i got a cramp. he's a winner.
Not only is it unacceptable to be bar hopping alone at 5 o'clock. It is definitely unacceptable to do so with a lobster
I'm sorry that I ate boneless ribs off of your sister, but that is no reason to drink my alcohol.
Yours weakened by children. Mine weakened by a forearm sized cock for 8 years.
The guy at the Apple store said the warranty does NOT cover getting cum out of the keyboard. I can't believe I believed you.
Mom brought home a 36 pack of Smirnoff and was all "ring any bells?" and then winked. I'm scared. What does she know?
I found someone's tooth on the stairs when I was vacuuming, and my sister found a catheter in the men's bathroom... this cleaning job is dangerous
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
I have a hook up buddy in Abiquiu. He lives next to a Chipotle; that's the only reason I see him.
I woke up in your kitchen with my ID in my hand and my nails were painted electric blue. Dude.... never let me have fireball again.
Found a trail of Taco Bell hot sauce packets through the garage to our back door and cheese in my bra. I'll say it was a successful Sunday Funday.
He started out in my roommates bed and by the end of the night was in mine, not sure how that went down. But he left happy in the morning.
If I don't wake up tomorrow you inherit my paycheck and can only spend it at cinnabon
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