Is it weird I updated my facebook status from my phone while I had explosive diarrhea in my boss's private bathroom?
That would be awkward if he commented on your status
I am no longer a man. I just realized I prefer Spongebob to college football.
Random 1st period thought: do you think she could put "had a threesome" on her resume?
Thought you might like this. Had a dance off with an andy bernard look alike and pissed my bed. All in one night.
Hold on. She's wrapped herself in toilet paper and is scaring the dog.
Too many margaritas?
There are 3 pics of me on my camera, naked, wearing only an apron, scooping ice cream.
I have fireworks and redbull; let's make heart attack inducing magic happen.
whatever the appropriate amount of shots is to consider drunken acrobatics a good idea was a few less than I actually had
you take my contact solution?
drank it last night then filled it with brandy for the plane ride.
I told him he could fuck me in his Notre Dame jersey if they won and he never texted back. What is this world coming to
Why can't you just come over, fuck me, then leave so i can get stoned and watch law and order?
I couldn't break up with him while I was wearing a Hakuna Matata shirt.
Saw two pregnant women at court today and I SWEAR one of them said "we had a threesome with this random guy and he got both of us pregnant."
Pretty sure keeping my vibrator in the same drawer with the weed makes it work better. I fall asleep almost immedi
I cannot take an uber back in my costume...can you please come get me?
Randomize
