i just saw a girl w/ a shirt that said "im the single friend." yeah i bet u r. stop wearing shirts like that and that could change.
Cumming on a girls face is guy code for you're not wife material.
when she asked where we met, i said the liquor store. the next words out of moms mouth? 'oh that's real promising molly'
But i don't feel like talking to him right now. I woke up an hour ago to a picture of his penis and I AM NOT A MORNING PERSON.
a 6'8" white kid in a Lin jersey just wandered out of my gay kid brother's room. when does spring break end, again?
He taped a champagne bottle to both his hands and called himself edward champagne hands. At one point he poured some on his lap and said " Just needed to make sure my dick got some too"
Nothing is working I'm going to die alone and on hold with a State Farm representative
Did I fall on/off the boat yesterday? Cuz my right leg looks and feels like if it got hit by shrapnel.
Made my roommate send me tit pics so I could send them to someone because I didn't want to move.
If I can ever get control of my legs I will be home. Thanks... and again sorry about your bed.
Gary just stuck his dick in his Guinness. I can't even make this up
I guess "hi, I know your mom, she taught me in high school" is an effective pickup line
So there is a 50% chance that he just left my house and a 100% chance that I have to be up for work in 2 hours...
Went to the party dressed like a Cougar and brought a twenty something dressed as Micheal Phelps home. So far I’m loving being divorced. :-)
Sorry I’m late. Got horny watching the traffic report and had to rub one out
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