so i was supposed to be to work at 8..but its 9:15 and im currently standing stoned in the middle of holiday...with a bag with three doughnuts, two redbulls, and a slim jim..
god i miss watching you do this...
unrelatedly i think im gonna download boogie nights just to see mark wahlberg's penis
What am I legally allowed to do to a girl that is the equivalent of me punching her in the face?
i've never smoked before...when you said wake and bake i thought you meant like a funeral bbq or something
Sometimes I think that I have too much self esteem
Then I realize that I'm just really fucking pretty.
You are the only person I know that goes to a bar enough to charge your iPhone there....
You have to stop getting hammered and preaching about that mission trip to Haiti.
My wedding band has saved me from at least four cases of herpes tonight.
The investigator asked if we were sharing a pitcher of margaritas. I corrected him and explained that we each had our own.
Yeah Greg found him eating out of a tuna can with a pill cap
This morning was so rough I can't even. I was cutting up vegetables for my omelet on the floor. THE FLOOR. I sat on the floor because I felt like I was gonna vom.
Do the right thing and go fuck yourself off a cliff
At least you didn't have a hemorroid rupture while banging
I woke up this morning to find my closet lacking 98% of my clothes and a text from my male roommate saying your dresses squeeze my genitals
Stop trying to get me to choose vodka over a nap
Randomize
