I realize that when i start making 24-themed music videos in my head to the song 'love is a battlefield' that i really need to get out more
Jerking off has been your answer to everything tonight.
I look like a herd of wild horses chewed on my back. If you bite me again while taking me from behind, I'm going to have to cut you off.
Not gonna lie i was comfortable between the allsups air conditioners while you were talking to the cop.
We just threw our carpet out of our room. Via fourth floor window style.
I don't think I have but I might've died. If I have then come get me, I'm in the flower bed. And still game.
Potato salad is not cupcake ingredient
I don't think there was a moment this weekend where grey goose did not course through my veins
he just sent me a picture of his penis sticking through a piece of paper that he had drawn a stick figure with tits on it that said "you"
Everything was going great until my fake mustache fell off when we started making out.
Look man, sometimes you just gotta say "Sure! Why not? I can always take a shower afterwards"
Pretty sure I just noped a member of the Canadian women's hockey team on Tinder.
He told me if he passed out to wake him by sitting on his face, and if he suffocated at least he would die happy. Found the one.
I'm driving to his house to eat chicken and hopefully have an orgasm
So. Um. Hypothetically speaking...how would one get a squirrel out of the house?
Randomize
