I don't even know what he looks like, all i've seen of him is his dick
the rest of him looks just as crooked
It was awkward being the only one at the wedding who knows that the bride and groom met when she gave him a lap dance at a strip club
Well the weddings in 4 days so I already got the eightball lined up and the wii fit all warmed up. Still wanna bet I wont lose 20 pounds by the wedding?
He went bowling in his bathroom.. And shattered the toilet.
the last thing i remember is yelling at the cab driver that i'm really good at drive by vomitting.
My fake id got more birthday sex than I've had in my life.
There was no eligible dick at the ER. I'm pissed. Looks like "Searching for Strange at the Local Free Clinic" is a no go for the name of our first full length album. On the other hand, I got a dilaudid shot and I no longer feel like I have the worst bladder infection of my life.
Stop calling dibs on everything with a vagina you jackass.
That should be the title of my autobiography.
In my defense, who let the drunk girl run around with a sack of broken glass unsupervise?
A homeless man just offered me vodka. The power it took to deny it deserves an award.
You are driving me to get new toys, i am test driving them on the way home.
We are taking your truck.
I have this theory that your highest awareness of how drunk you are is while you're sitting on a toilet
Jungle juice breakfast? No? Ok.
So my plane's delayed and some guy is talking to "sparkles" he just told her to never again sell drinks from her cleavage. This is why I don't go home
You ran up to my room. I was naked. You refused to leave without drugs. I love you.
Randomize
