Great. There's a birthday party at work today. Now I can stand around and feel uncomfortable for an hour.
I wish Denzel Washington would coach my flip cup team..
Its amazing how creative youll get when your house has been out of toilet paper for a week and a half
The dingo escaped by eating a hole through my screen door. It's loose in the city somewhere.
No no don't get confused. We do chemistry homework on Thursdays. We screw on Fridays. Other than that, Words With Friends is our only communication five days a week. We are NOT dating.
I ordered a VEGAN pizza, because it gets here the fastest, just so I could get a 2 litre of Coke. For my whiskey.
So do you want to hear how I got the hickey first, or how I got the black eye?
someone needs to name a hurricane after you
My tits became the mascot for the SAE house last night.
HE BEAT A GUY WITH NOTHING BUT RAZZLE DAZZLE AND HIS FABULOUSNESS
I think I'm actually too depressed to do drugs, wow.
Yeah last night got weird fast. No lie, a kid pulled a butt-plug with a tail out of his ass.
3 words: harry potter burlesque. My life is so much more awesome than yours right now.
I came so hard my entire leg seized. Her blowjob gave me a Charlie horse.
you can't just call dibs on my vagina bro.
Randomize
