So I just introduced myself to this guy in front of me and now he's saving my pictures on facebook to his phone..
he told me that if i wanted to smoke he could make a piece out of my shoe. were keeking this kid around
My water bill is like twice the normal amount. I need a boyfriend.
Do I even want to know?
It was just a squirrel
You act like its normal to see a squirrel in the bar
I feel like I should lick our pitcher just so everyone knows its ours
Blackout me just wants to pee on sober me's dreams. Literally.
Stripper with the black hair and lip rings is still asleep. Found out she wasn't lying when she said she was a squirter, it was like splash mountain.
Gregs sitting in the living room in his underwear hitting the bong watching a rob schneider movie. His lack of fuck giving is inspirational
Someone broke into my car and stole it then left me $300 to pay for the damages with a lovely note that said "we just couldn't pass up the boxed wine... Sorry about the window."
You tripped over nothing.. everyone stopped what they were doing and stared..you stood up and yelled "you win this time gravity"..then started chugging someone's drink
HE GAVE ME ONE OF HIS BEERS.
YOU'RE THE CHOSEN ONE.
You could at least care enough to fake an orgasm for me.
I wiped my ass with a McDonalds wrapper. I've hit an all time low. Sorry for my impatience
I honestly have no desire to wear clothes around you
I have that affect on people
Oh I had the weirdest dream in which I was an archeologist stealing a golden dildo from a snobby British person
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