just because you dressed up as a brontosaurus doesn't mean you can poop in my yard and roar at my neighbors
you were mad bc i took longer then 2 minutes to finish
His penis was definitely too big to be the type that wants commitment. Shit.
You're barking up the wrong lesbian.
She had the hiccups when she was giving me head. It was actually pretty awesome
Of course... Double fistin nati light cuz the powers out and it cuts down the times i gotta open the fridge... Genius
She once gave me sex advice over the phone while intoxicated. So no you don't have the cooler therapist.
Do you think blood ever gets sick of carrying all these drugs around?
Like, there are so many different things we make it do, and it just wants to settle down and be a one-drug fluid?
Stop reading WebMD high.
I got drunk by myself and ended up listening to Beethoven in the dark.
Soooo you know how I said I was trying to be a rational adult? Well that led to me fucking a rational adult today.
Pornhub is actually a very wholesome website
Um I got a ride home from the bar with two random boys and one tried to bang me on my parents riding mower
found my cat trying to steal a lighter to hide away for himself. cat what are you doing. don't pocket my lighter.
I just got a text from a stranger offering to shave my asshole. I've been sober and out of town for a week, are you using my number as a dial-a-dumping again?
You might see me up a tree with a deranged look in my eye , just walk away at that point
Randomize
