I heard we made out
Things on my life to do list: hold a pound of marijuana. Check.
My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
just crush a couple of percocets into it. tell him sam adams came out with a new beer. flavored with sleep.
His dick was as big as my arm. Giving him a handjob was like giving someone an Indian sunburn.
He started making shapes and faces with his cock and balls.... apparently if you wrap the shaft with your balls and turn it 90 degrees to the left it looks like a hamburger
Everyone in the office is in total denial. I asked my boss what he did this weekend and he said "nothing much." But I know we were both thinking about the orgy.
tequilla shots with my grandparents? christmas visiting just got so much better
I clipped one of my extensions in his hair to give him a rat tail. What is my life?
First thing that comes on in the morning is kanye's I can't hold my liquor. yeezus lives.
Ultimate fat girl moment: I promised him my mouth for the night if he bought me a funnel cake..
Every person I've ever had sex with is in Chipotle right now.
You're never gonna guess who's blood is on my shirt
Why do I feel like I really don't want to hear the end of this...
What happened last night? I just woke up and there's like 15 mcflurry cups on the floor
You don't remember stealing them?
I I was gonna wake him up with a blow job but I don't know how he would feel about it.
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