its been so long since i'vebeen laid i've forgotten what a penis looks like. When a guy makes me hot i picture him finishing the job by whipping a multi-setting showerhead out of his pants.
I put my bosses number in my phone as "Do not call," I shouldve known my drunk curiosity would overcome any desire I had to keep my job.
again?
I wanted to google "huge banana" but I'm pretty sure all I'd get is dick pictures.
I wake up every morning and wish that I didn't have to wear a bra
Ah that type of Dick. I think my phones trying to make me less of a whore by capitalizing Dick. That way it looks like I'm talking about a dude not penis
you know u lost to a carboard cut out of sammy sosa in beer pong last night.
Just found an unopened tied g of coke on the floor in her room... she thinks the maintenance guy dropped it earlier today. This takes the cake for sketchiest apartment.
with a cock that big I don't even care that he makes a convincing drag queen
I'm so busy i barely have time to have sex with myself. I have to talk myself into it like an old married couple.
I'm going to try and loofah my hangover away.
Update: It didn't work
So I should just walk in, look him in the eye and say, "I just came to fuck your brother, nice to meet you" and just walk to your room.
That sounds worse than that time you thought out an entire story of how big bird would kill you
I think he knows I took a picture of him. Why I don't get punched in the face more often is anyone's guess.
he keeps various drugs in his kitchen cupboard like groceries. that is my new life goal as an adult.
The best thing about last night is when drunk Lauren asked cop if she could smoke a joint in front of him. And next thing I remember she’s smoking weed with a cop. How awesome is that.
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