She punched me in the face after i pulled it out and grabbed my cell phone. Ill be the one hiding in the bushes with one shoe.
I just realized that this morning is the first morning i've put on underwear in a week.
I love summer.
I want to make a porn site called "girls with daddy issues"
theres a note on the fridge that says "guess what i peed in" and a half-full bottle of apple juice front and center. why did you let him in the house?
After so many times of carrying your puked covered clothes home in a bag on a Tuesday morning, you begin to realize that Fucked Up Mondays aren't a real thing.
Okay do all 29 year olds have erectile dysfunction or just the two I've slept with?
I found a pair a guys underwear in my purse that has a British flag on it and says and I quote "British beef" what.the.fuck.
I gave him my yeast infection. HOW THE FUCK DOES THAT EVEN WORK?
If those antibiotics mean you can't drink, ya might as well pack your bags and re-enroll next fall, because sobriety this week would be social suicide.
i was thinking shit as she was saying it. it was a sarcasm time loop
My 12 o'clock class is an all star team of my ex's hook ups
Fuck romance. Just shaved my nipples in the shower because I felt like it. That's the life I'm about.
Last night was incredible. I can tell by the nacho cheese on my jacket
I apparently pulled his dick out at the bar and started yelling "DICK PICS IN REAL LIFE!"
It feels appropriate that the wallet of my high school and college years would die at the hands of a spilled bong. Which in and of itself is a solid metaphor for those years.
Randomize
