The human being growing inside of her was a mistake. Lets just hope the boyfriend isn't.
Dude!! Mom just asked me why you have 'boobies' hahaha
I hate my life
mondays should just be called national damage control day
i would think by now you'd realize that my penis does whatever the fuck it wants and i have no control over the situation
...that's why he's not doing anything with his life except breeding geckos
The fact that both my ribs are severely bruised from shoving flasks in my bra might be a validation of my mothers alcoholic accusation
And by hung out you mean you were in my bed for 5 minutes while your penis was in my mouth.
I think for all the guys in my phone, I'm going to change their pictures to pics of their dicks. It's easier to identify them that way.
we need to find an occasion to wear tutus
Dude. Zebras have bad attitudes.
we couldn't find any funnels so we taped a spaghetti strainer to a pool noodle and it worked fairly well
Got dumped. Now accepting nominations for my extra Dave Mathews ticket. No xboyfriends. Must cast final votes by Monday. Good luck everyone
I'm gonna look back at these days one day and be like "damn I shoulda been turnt but I was in bed instead watching netflix"
Your poor dick will look at you and scowl for all the abuse he's going to take this week.
He's just been a dick since he set his face on fire. I just wanted to eat a fucking hot dog.
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