my tampon string is in my asshole... do you think i can get it out without anyone noticing?
i'd get off the bar first.
Alex, there's no such thing as a fancy sex store.
Nope. She just screamed at me "YOU WERE A FAILED ABORTION" and "I'LL PUT ANTHRAX IN YOUR PILLOW YOU LITTLE FUCK". Best mother award ever
please tell me you didn't have sex with him in the bathroom...
Does an alley count?
he obviously didn't care that i was sleeping and dreaming about ellen degeneres knitting me a christmas sweater.
Top reasons to NOT leave jessica to her own devices : 1. Drinking becomes a competitive sport ( in which she is the only one competing) 2.big girl words= no worky 3. Whiskey refuses to be a good friend (as much as she insists ). 4. Waking up at six a.m. still in her swim suit is super awkward. 5. It isn't a fun game to figure out which person she gave her number to and 6. Yesterdays eyeliner doesn't look good today.
She twisted her ankle and paid a homeless guy for a piggy back ride home from the bar.
We are keeping it ultra classy drinking 40s and playing croquet with 90s rap blasting in the back ground
James this is colleen. This is my new number. You just texted my grandma about getting cockblocked. Congratulations.
He's saved in my phone as 'MURICA. I think it's safe to say I'm not exactly taking him seriously.
No amount of beer will make me feel better about this. It's time for Emergency Whisky
My boss doesn't know what jello shots are. I've lost faith in this company.
With great liquor, comes great irresponsibility. Remind me of this night tomorrow.
I wasn't even hungover I was just mourning my dignity
Uhm... Found a ziploc bag... In the freezer. Sam, thought it was lemonade. Why did you make frozen piss at my house, again?
Randomize
