I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.
the 24 hour champagne diet aint going so well
how should i go about explaining the hickey i drunkenly gave myself last night?
the last thing i remember is inserting the sippy stray into the jack daniel's.
No... We were arguing over whose family is more dysfunctional... Then my brother stumbled in and puked all over jakes ugly dog.
i just overheard someone saying that they invented the 'tequila mockingbird' last night. sorry, but i found better friends
He was the drug dealer that jumped out of his car to get my number
He said he has something to give me... I swear to God if it's a joint or a framed picture of his penis i'm going to kill him
There are only families here. I'm at the bar alone double fisting drinks. You cannot get any more approachable than I am now.
No it's cool, He's been doing my English papers in exchange for lap dances since the eleventh grade. We're very professional.
All I've done today is make sangria and wonder what the hell I'm doing with my life.
It's been two whole weeks and I haven't missed a single class. I deserve 69 blunts.
how did you set a fucking salad on fire????????
He ripped my sink off my bathroom wall and then threw up in it.
Looks like I accidentally stole two of your beers and left my pants at your place.
How did you leave without pants?
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