Just got done shaving my balls. You were right.
my passenger side seat is covered in alcoholic jello with a nude mannequin in it
I woke up and we were making out. So the good news is that after two years off the market, I haven't lost a step. I'm picking up girls in my sleep now.
OMG stoned with flashing lights behind me, I was freaking out until I realized I wasn't driving my couch
He dared me to drink a bottle of olive oil in exchange for a 30 pack... So much for loosing the freshman fifteen this year.
All I want is tacobeell and your body
that's my favorite sentence you've ever said.
The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
Have you ever chugged beers in the hospital parking garage with your mom?
I can't believe I came last night staring into my profile pictures eyes.
Would it be crossing a line if I told him that I now know his girlfriend has a huge mole on her left ass cheek?
You were hitting on girls while wearing the banana suit. When they rejected you you yelled "I gotta split anyway."
you don't even have a vagina so you don't get to tell me what to put in mine
we are not getting arrested this weekend. I don't care who I have to blow its just not happening.
I think my brain is throwing up inside my head. How do you live like this?
Lessons learned from last night: do not leave me drunk and alone with strippers and a credit card. Let's do whatever's cheaper.
Randomize
