I woke up this morning and was hoping we drank enough last night to have a unicorn drawn on my wrist. Good News: We did.
Pre-crushing the pills for tomorrow morning. This way I can sleep in an extra 10 minutes.
I got mine. It's a truly beautiful penis. Plus he pulled his tongue muscle on my vagina.
i think he was starting go for a boob grab when we both realized the middle of a public tennis court wasn't the place
At what point lastnight did a lens fall out of my glasses and nobody tell me?
He put chocks of wood in front of his doors to stop me from leaving. I'm not nearly drunk enough for that to be appropriate behaviour.
I need a full description of the guy I hooked up with. I don't think I ever saw his face
he seemed brazillian..
fuck.
Apparently I blamed my BAC on the Saint Louis Cardinals...how is that not a valid excuse?!
He looked me deeply in the eyes and said "I don't want this to be the last time I see you.. Can I follow you on Instagram"
Is there one of me peeing? If so do I look bangable in it
Death by dick. An honorable death. Put a picture of his dick in the photo collage at my funeral.
On a brief change if topic, last night I dreamt I got shit faced with bill Nye the science guy and we went bar to bar and explained the science of alcohol to everyone who'd give us free drinks. We wore bow ties
Dude I cant right now. Were talking about pickles.
Anyone who does not know who Paul McCartney is does NOT get to put hands in my pants
We've been together for 10 months. These next 2 may be a deal breaker. He has not met the summertime version of me that is so hungover today that I cancelled a meeting with my boss right after she sent me an appreciation note saying I have great work ethic. I have her fooled.
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