im gay
i know
yea but for you.
i know they say sex burns calories but i think i actually gained weight from just lying there for the whole 2 minutes
this girl walked outta his room as i was walkin in to scottys and i just say " time for the walk of shame baby! whoooo!". she ran away
i will never coherently bang her
the jolly green giant just puched the pope. halloween is the best.
For future reference "I'm too drunk to come today" is an acceptable line to get out of work. I love my job
Just successfully went through airport security with shrooms. It's gonna be a fucking awesome new years
Is valentines day the worst or best day to ask for a threesome? I'm weighing some options on this high-risk manoeuvre.
It'd probably just be a lot of profanity and hyperventilation and deteriorating into tears anyways
so just a regular conversation then
My chance to home wreck was right in front of me and I didn’t grab it by the balls
We were driving past a farm when he screamed at me to stop the car, then he jumped out and tried to ride a cow.
You stumbled into the hotel room escorted by security and then went into the bathroom sat by the toilet, threw up for hours while slamming your head on the wall and whimpering "why" over and over.. I went to bed
As a BFF it is your duty to answer when I drunk call you at 3 in the morning because I couldn't find a knife to cut that cake. I finally found one, fell asleep with it and the cake in bed. K thanks bye.
He was cute in a Sketchy-trying-to-sell-you-a-vaccum-at-9-at-night kinda way.
She was a cheerleader in college and President of her sorority and now she’s a sales rep for a pharmaceutical corporation. “High maintenance hot” doesn’t even begin to explain it
But dear lord is it worth it
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