If I could pick any std, I would pick genital herpes. Seriously. Have you seen the commercials? The lady is riding a fucking bike, swimming, and on a date. I have a perfectly fine vag and all I do is go to the library.
He tried to write down the address for the cab on half a bagel.
I feel as though the word "tired" has become synonymous with "too high to manage the stairs" lately
stop bragging. last time i got laid i got double pink eye, and it was so not worth it
I will not fuck this loser. I will not fuck this loser. I will not fuck this loser.
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
Nah I'm perfectly content solely banging the married bartender once a week.
That's practically a relationship for you
I woke up on your bathroom floor, i used your towel I found laying on the floor as a cape to get to your bed. I thought it would help me walk straight if I looked like a superhero
I feel like my body was put in a dryer with rocks set on permanent press.
She's like the Jonah Hill of sorority sisters.
My new years resolution is going to be to stop drunk snapchatting old hook ups asking them when we're going to bang again
I went in for a high five.. He went in for a kiss.. Today is a good day
I was trying to come up with a reason why you shouldn't be naked in front of me, and now I have 'If you give a mouse a cookie" stuck in my head
may or may not have entered into a gay civil rights discussion with 6 year olds. Hint: I did.
He said he broke his back in 3 spots & my first thought was "there goes my booty call".
Did u have a 2nd thought
I need a new booty call.
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