i bet jesus would rush if he went to usc
Why is there a cactus in the microwave?
Don't worry about it.
i cant text you anymore tonight, God gave me two hands for two cups
I just watched her pee in a trashcan, im still probably going to fuck her, what does that say about my standards
I consented to having my finger branded. How was your night?
He did not appreciate the "you did reuse the diamond" comment when looking at his new fiance's ring.
I enjoy it and I rock at it. I wish there were a respectable way to make giving blow jobs a career.
I'm standing at the bottom of the driveway w a sign that says plow me
Just stuck all that extra cocaine money we made in a savings account...like a responsible adult..
I'm kinda surprised he wouldn't be honored to take me back as a fuck buddy.
The bald guy bought me a shot so I chugged it and then walked out to the middle of the dance floor and told an old woman that might be your moms twin to bend it over...We didn't end on a good note though. Dude she stepped on my vans.
I woke up at 5am to tell him I wanted to take his dick on la Tour de France, I might need a nap later
.... I'm on a random couch somewhere in Newark wrapped in a Lightning McQueen blanket
I feel like we'd have a lot of fun being drunk at a dog show.
I cam home to find him twitching on the floor, surrounded by unopened condoms and covered in cranberry sauce (yes I tasted it) while Thundercats was playing.
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