what the fuck were we smoking when we had a conversation about how my brother would be so proud if i fucked an orange alien?!?
I just high-fived this girl after she swallowed.
i just threw up in a potted plant at home depot
he nicknamed his dick "too big to fail"
Um, so I couldn't say it in person, but if you find my underwear in your office. Sorry. I couldn't find them, so yea.
Aj and I already plan to tape our thumbs to our palms so we know how it feels to be a t-rex.
God damn. I'm really starting to resent babies. They're everywhere. Like fucking land mines.
my boobs are worth more now than the blue book value of my car.
She told me about it right after. She said she was scared I would be disappointed. And I was, but I pretended not to be. Which pretty much sums up our relationship.
Sounds good. I will just get tanked here and wear this batman mask.
He bought you footie pajamas. Shit's pretty serious.
Sex with him is like pizza, it can be shitty but its stillll pizza.....
We smoked a blunt in a stall where a drag queen was fucking a bartender in the ass. So theres gonna be a second date :)
Too bad Amazon Prime wouldn't get the wine bra flask to you in time. Concealed alcohol and huge tits? Win-win.
And then he tried to convince me that he could wear a condom instead of pants to go out.
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