why does hillary duff have a greatest hits album?
I feel uncomfortable when she gargles my jizz.
the taxi driver actually pulled over to let us moon a house full of people
My neighbor is on the his front porch in a robe dipping a popsicle into what appears to be vodka. I want to be his son.
We should reintroduce naked Mondays
One of my students in my 8am class brought me a Tim Hortons cup with a bloody Mary in it. Clearly, I didn't manage to look not drunk when I ran into him at Denny's at 4am. Who decided to let me teach?
I mean it's not my fault he had a floor mat that read "put out or get out". What was I supposed to do?
Well anything after a French guy would have been a disappointment. But I'm fairly certain he was just trying to masturbate into me.
...Just between you and me I just did Olympic grade ribbon dancing with toilet paper in the bar bathroom.
Don't worry we will all be making bad decisions soon
That's the most comforting thing I've heard in months
Just got that "I know what's going on with your vagina" look from that CVS cashier.
You bought MORE?!
Worst walk of shame man. They had a fire drill at 7am, had to walk out of her all girl dorm wearing my Everday I'm Hustling sweater
He also reminds me slightly of a pirate which i find strangely attractive
I'll say this one last time. You are TWENTY FIVE YEARS OLD. You are not going to die alone and this is not the twilight of your life. Stop taking shrooms on your period!!!!
You know what would have been funny if we got arrested last night? The inventory search of the lock box:\n\nContents:\n1 work ID\n1 33 round Glock magazine\n1 set of keys\n1 vibrator\n2 bags fruit snacks\n1 parking hang tag
Randomize
