i told her that i loved her pillow breasts and then she asked me if i wanted to motor boat them. so yea, i do need the room tonite.
just found out my horoscope sign is scales. it's like i was destined to be a drug dealer
i need to know the scientific term for a guy's taint so i can explain what i did last night.
He gave me his business card. It was a Justin Bieber trading card with his number written in sharpie. I have to call him don't I?
He said he had a problem he needed to take care of before we got omelets and then showed me his erection.
I'm gonna be a few minutes late, some asshole just fell off the ferry so we had to stop.
I only want to make out with him. Unless I get hungry. In that case I will take him home and screw him as a distraction from eating.
You sent me snap chats of you guys having sex. Like plural. It was like flip book porn, I'm traumatized.
Since you're going to wake up and see one bajillion missed calls from me, I just want you to know that's a perfectly reasonable number. Now come downystairs.
I was so high I didn't realize I'd put on someone else's bra. I thought my boobs had shrunk.
do you think your dog feels awkward being in the background of your nudes?
This is me trying to take a picture to send to grandma. At 4. We were trying to look sober.
Had to leave my skype meeting to vomit. I'm obviously ready for the real world.
Mass text: You have all failed me. How have the people I loved so much let me go so long in life without ever eating a McRib sandwich?!
She has a girlfriend too.. we decided that two cheats equal eachother out to zero. with our flawed grasp on algebra and the bottle of jack we were passing back and forth the logic seemed airtight.
Randomize
