dude, I'm watching paul blart mall cop. I have better things to do than listen to you whine about your recent divorce.
just bought a 30 and sold it for $2 a can to some dumb ass high school kids. now lets buy two and get really drunk
Today in class was pretty awsome. I dont feel like i have to throw up and im actually paying attention. This is a first for friday
There is a semi-attractive guy at the door who's looking for you. Says he met you on Chatroulette. Start explaining NOW.
So where are we on this whole, you write my paper...i do sexual favors situation?
There is literally a guy in my class with a gallon of water and a trophy.
Come now. I'm bloody but I'll give you the best fuck of your life.
I mean like if I stood up my head might pull me down like an anchor
I'm keeping track of how many times I've said "Shhh, act like you're not naked." in my life. So far, 3 times.
Some older looking guy gave me his card as he exited the train. Hes a pharmaceutical rep. I'm debating asking him for a job. Obv he wants sex but if I can get a job out of this maybe I can offer him more than a cheap dry handjob bc that's all I'm really up for these days
YOU KNOW BRAZILIAN BOYS ARE MY WEAKNESS
He convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. He slurred every word. I think I found my prince charming.
I fell asleep in the tanning bed, naked, for an hour and a half and I guess they couldn't wake me up so they called the fire department...and they came in while I was passed out naked...
That is priceless. You walk into her house, fuck her husband and demand Chinese food. Your an inspiration to us all.
Just dropped the most perfectly rolled joint into the toilet I just finished taking a shit in, hadn't even had time to flush, 5 second rule?
No!
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