My Higher Power is John Stamos
I realize that when i start making 24-themed music videos in my head to the song 'love is a battlefield' that i really need to get out more
I'm slowing backing away from her. I tried breaking up with her and it felt like I was clubbing baby seals.
i wish i had the videos of us pissing on him last night.
By the way, thank you for feeding me fries when I was sitting on the floor.
why did I try to FaceTime with 311 last night?
i havent blinked in 235 seconds. now 247. now 258. 263. 267. 271. i also have been gifted with theability to both type and count and not blink. 293 so magical
you know you're a senior when your friends are at the bar before you even get out of class
why the fuck would you go to class? it's karaoke wednesday.
So this guy is eyeing me from across the bar. Either the girl I hit on next to him is his girlfriend or he's her gay best friend. I should show him my Penis and find out.
Dude. Do it.
Definitely her date. But she saw it too. So now he used to be her date. Why can't this stuff Happen when I'm sober?
I don't know where I am and I feel like a hippo shat in my mouth. This sofa is comfy though.
I wish i could just live off of margaritas and good sex.
Can we just focus for a minute on the fact that I HAD MY FIRST LESBIAN ENCOUNTER.
Right. How rude of me to inform you that you're going to be an aunt.
THAT HOSPITAL MADE ME REALIZE THAT I'M BISEXUAL
college girl with braces trying to flirt with you...time to go
We have massive handle of kettle and a rack of hi life
That's the happiest ive ever been at 7:48 am....
Randomize
