i just pissed myself at work. maybe they'll buy the old coffee spill trick
You were mumbling a lot and offered me 20 dollars to leave you alone
She cut off the top of a watermelon and is now eating it with a spoon. She's more than half done.
She sent me a pic of shot glasses on fire if that tells you anything
I chased a girl up a staircase screaming because she had a cardboard cut out of James Dean which, at the time, I believed to my friend being held against his will
We're in the emergency room. He concussed himself trying to pop all the bubbles on my "one bubble a day" wall calender with his face.
Playing nyquil pong with a cat again
If I die it's either cuz I undercooked my burger or because I used questionable cheese. I have no pants on, so if there's a wellness check, you go in first.
I'll give you a blowjob in a Santa hat if it will put you in the Christmas spirit
Holding your hair back while you puked wasn't a choice. I was handcuffed to you.
i made out with his shirt. MDMA, man.
im about to bake her parents a "thank you for making such beautiful babies, ive had sex with all 5 of them" cake
I just wanna be naked and go frolic in the snow
You fell while talking to a cop, then proceeded to acuse him of tripping you... he was arresting you for public intox.
That was the first time ive ever slept with a girl with a q in her name
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