I just changed her number in my phone to "You Wouldn't If You were Sober"
totally got the gold medal for the best fence jump when the cops came.
She tried to keep her legs crossed last night while doing a keg stand. Way to keep it classy.
I picked her up for our first date on a fucking horse. Of course I got a BJ.
She set fire to my carpet trying to power-dry puke covered cigs with Josh's blowtorch. How she found it in the garage is beyond me but if you bring her with you again I'll shoot you myself.
I haven't gone out since the baby was born. If I don't get arrested, in a fight, or both I'm going to be super pissed.
I thought it was my alarm clock, turns out it was her vibrator still going off on the side of my face.
I ate vegetarian today, so I deserve a beer.That's my justification.
It's like you're the voice of my soul.
He's gonna be so upset when he get's a real job and can't do serious drugs.
Im just confused who has their mom break up with someone
Currently googling hangover cures, which looks a lot like working from the perspective of my boss.
I think my fortune cookie is telling me I give good blowjobs.
YOU HAVE TO STOP TELLING BARTENDERS WE DON'T HAVE MORAL STANDARDS
Would it be weird if i sent him a "happy fuckiversary" text?
I don't know, all I remember is waking up at 4 in the morning to him going down on me.
Randomize
