Does it bother you that I left your underwear hanging in a tree at the zoo? i think the turtles are enjoying it.
I don't know where your sunglasses are, I was too preoccupied with girls not old enough to drive past midnight.
Its like im going on a blind date, but ive already had sex with her
I just wanna buy a tempur-pedic so i can drink in bed and not spill
How the fuck did I get small bruises all over my body?
Well you were laying on the couch naked after the girls left, staring into space, and I went over to the pool table and threw every ball as hard as I could at you from point blank range . You didn't flinch, blink, or scream for any of them. next time maybe you won't fuck my girl while I'm taking a shit
Mac n' cheese is coming out of my nose. You can't make that feel better
Now they're talking about doing whiskey shots since they're flipping the turkey over. You might need to drive me home.
You puked on my feet last night. You owe me a pedicure.
BoomCity!!!
You don't have to text me that every time you have sex. I already heard you ring the gong.
Babe.. You are farting in your sleep and it literally smells like something crawled up your asshole and died.. I'm gagging and I feel like I'm eating your fart right now. I want to tape your ass cheeks shut and plug up that canon you call your ass. All I hear is snores and farts.. You are lucky I love you
I just want to get drunk and wake up on Wednesday
I need a genital shamwow being this wet.
I woke up and sent him a text that said 'I'm sorry forever'
ever bang a guy wearing an $800 suit? today you will.
I feel like this is something I should shave my legs for
Learn from my mistakes, you naive soul: Gay love triangles are just as dangerous as straight love triangles.
Randomize
