I think I gave almost everyone at that party the clap last night
When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
And "sexual slave/chef" was as it turns out not a real career choice...
Fourth time I had to be woken up in the line of Whataburger in two weeks. First time my shirt was free of vomit.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I had to explain to my dentist that my tooth was chipped because we designated my mouth as the official way to open beer. I feel like our level of partying is no longer socially acceptable.
I ended up naked with smirnoff caps on my nipples. Dignity is now a completely foreign concept to me.
Did you shave a certain someone in his sleep last night?
So good news, aparently I blacked out and tried to go in the back of the mcdonalds to thank the people for makin my fries
Dude he did say "let's go cougar hunting" and you KNEW your mom was going out last night...so it's kind of your own fault for not coming
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
So hungover im counting my own breaths to make sure im not dead. The odds hurt.
So a guy died and our dates revived him with CPR. Good night?
All im saying is that my face might fall off.
No I kepy moaning and just called out a name to make them believe I was actually having sex instead of masturbating.
Should I wish him a happy birthday?
Well he has been inside of you enough times that you probably should.
just made a presentation to 40 students and my professor about morals and ethical issues..still drunk. at 8am. I wish I could remember how it went.
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