so he came in my eye... should i throw out my contacts?
i'm pissing behind 7/11. if you guys leave... i'll think it's funny too
I may have been to starbucks and 2 classes with balls still written on my face...
Whoever decided it was a good idea to sell 40's at a bar with life-sized jenga deserves a nobel prize.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
She asked if I could convince him so shave that shit off his face so he'll have a snowball's chance in hell of getting laid.
July fourth my place, drunken bubble slip n slide. Yes this is happening and yes I am 31
It felt as if we were fucking on a sea of baby feet and morgan freemans face hair
He picked me up in the very car he devirginized me in, his moms toyota.
Rule 1: If any of us dies on a trip, the other two have to 'Weekend at Bernies' the shit outta that corpse...
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
That's brilliant but could get us arrested. Give me shots until I shout LET'S DO THIS
I went from swearing off of sex to planning a threesome. It's been a rollercoaster of a day.
I was very impressed with his ability to carry on a conversation with his friends sitting in the front seat with his hand in my pants, getting a hand job, stoned, with a cigarette in his mouth. I think he's a keeper.
How'd your date go last night?
Well I blacked out at 1:30 and woke up naked in not-my-date's bed with an uneaten Jimmy John's sandwich.
Blow Jobs and the Patriots Playing I think I’m going to marry her
A reply to my tweet is getting more likes than mine, the disrespect is real
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