Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
I wish there was a facebook app that filtered my notifications to show only the ones having to do with people who'll fuck me.
He just washed his hands with scrubbing bubbles yelling "They work hard so I don't have to!"
Look I'm sorry I shaved your cat, but get over it.
dude, seriously he just sucked the milk out of the dogs breast and swallowed it... for $20, wtf....?
Do you think it'll be awkward standing up at their wedding knowing I've slept with both the bride and the groom?
You just kept taking about baking cornbread and doing your physics. Even drunk assed random you is a better student than me.
I thought he was kidding when he said pretend to be a dunkin donut delivery women. This is the last time I ever role play.
I fell asleep with my vibrator still in me. I am the Queen of Sad Masturbation.
you said you wanted to feel how much my penis weighed for educational purposes
No. If you are gonna end this, you are gonna do it right. Not by getting bombed and falling on a strange penis. That was the old you.
sold 4 oz of weed today pantsless. man i love college.
I bit my tongue so hard I left a deep imprint. Fuck you tongue, stop getting in the way of food.
I stirred my drink with a butcher knife. His roomate keeps giving me dirty looks
Like what do you want from me
Your Vodka Saturday privileges have been reduced to Beer until you go a full month without losing an article of clothing.
Randomize
