Come on, it shouldn't be that hard NOT to suck someone's dick
everytime i eat a fruit i feel like i'm eating ovaries
god I hate her. why can't she just fuck and leave like a normal slut.
I'm going to start giving girls scratch off lottery tickets when they leave my place in the am. That way they have a chance of not regretting the night before
just ran into my gynecologist at the liquor store... i think she's found the source of my problems
Just to be safe, you should be prepared to jump out of a second story window
Friends help friends remove their foot from the sunroof after an epic smoke sesh.
I'm not sure which is more depressing, the fact that the hospital is making me put together a living will before surgery, or that all i'll be leaving behind is 25k in student loan debt
In preparation for st patty's day I finally had a shamrock shake, and I invested in an app that will apparently keep me from drunkenly texting you pictures of my tits this weekend. Please let me know if you want to not be put on the "forbidden" list!
I was going to make out with him...then he licked syrup off the kitchen floor.
Either I spilled whiskey on my boobs last night or they are fermenting. Not concerned in the slightest
definitely just forgot to put car in park in front of a police officer and ran into a bush.
I woke up at 4 am to a guy curled up in the fetal position sobbing in our front yard. Oh college.
Remember that time I hopped home naked from the bar, then tried to convince you I was ok to drive you home? Good call on the taxi.
You just kept yelling GET YOUR SKATES ON, BITCHES. WE'RE GOING STREAKING.
Randomize
