Just a heads up, the coffee pot is filled with Jager.
Did you ever stop and think that god invented whiskey dick specifically for me
they lined up to high five me when i got taken out by the stretcher. The paramedic high fived them too
Nope. If I'm going to drive an hour to fuck a teacher, it will NOT be missionary thats for damn sure.
I drink more single than I do in relationships. Except with assface.
The party went downhill once the fire department had to be called to put out the kitchen fire.
People spilled so much that there was a thin film of beer on the floor. You took a running start, screamed, "SLIP AND SLIDE!" and slid face first through the drywall.
Didn't want you to think it had been open season on my vagina since we broke up.
Idk how much vodka is on these pants but I'm gonna wear them anyway: the biopic
You have no idea the kind of bodily contortions I had to do to access your neighbor's WIFI
If waking up at 6 50 pm every day and getting invited to go have sex as you wake up is what alcoholism is like I can get use to this.
Enough talk of my burning loins. How is your day?
I would drive 12 hours round trip for you to have an orgasm, cause that's friendship
did the thing where I quickly swipe right to every girl on Tinder & matched with my sis. God I hope swiping carelessly is hereditary
I'm glad I didn't see Grandma stumbling drunk and peeing herself...it would be like seeing my future.
Randomize
