if your leaving for the weekend then im farting on your pillow
when i'm drunk i think im just gonna point at him and yell adultery is a sinnnn. youre going to helllll
Well I'm 85-90% sure that he licked syrup off my body, but no guarantees...
Dude, she's the greatest salesman alive. she convinced chelsea to buy a box of Cheerios for $20. She can find your dick some willing pussy.
His phone pocket dialed me while he was crapping. He was quietly singing stayin alive and possibly passing his intestines.
I'm watching a man in drag spread food products on his face my life is spiraling out of control.
I guess, all I remember was giving you road head the whole way there so you wouldn't fall asleep.
If you put those two in a room together it'd be like a Taylor Swift fantasy and an Adele nightmare just licking faces
Last night, I listened to Aladdin on my ipod while I stole bread and cheese from Wal-Mart. I feel like you're the only one who'd be proud of me.
I feel like cursing someone's first born child right now. Like I wanna maleficent some bitch.
I feel like I should remember what we did after leaving the party because apparently a llama was involved, but all I can manage is the part where I asked you to cuff my ankle to the bed so I wouldn't backflip away.
Nothing better then waking up to multiple snap stories of people doing body shots of tequlia off of you
Our relationship is perfect
90% threatening to punch him in the dick 10% actual dickpunching
Can I pee and smoke my bong at the same time or is that like eating on the toilet
Hey how're your balls?
Don't ever let me helicopter again.
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