Do you think this abandoned cigarette has herpes? cuz I'm tempted.
As long as you don't die I'm in full support of your drinking decisions
I woke up next to her will a oven mit taped to my cock. Dear god, I might have tried to use it as a condom.
downstairs . braiding the drunk passed out girls hair, she will thank us In the morning
The last thing I said to him last night before telling him he couldn't give me a kiss goodnight was pointing at his dick then at me and saying "this isn't working out"
There should be a company that sends nadgrams. They're like candy grams except the recipient gets kicked in the balls.
We were getting fries and you hopped the counter and yelled "WELCOME TO GOOD BURGER HOME OF THE GOOD BURGER" and threw up
Let's go get coffee and handcuffs.
I need you there. I need someone to glance at when other people inevitably annoy me.
I need to you to send me drugs via FedEx
If you had amazing eyebrows i'd have sex with them.
We dont have cups... so were doing shots out of bowls like puppies
I know right. I don't even want to have sex today. I did anyway but that's besides the point.
My plan to hit on all your friends went to shit after the 3rd dirty martini.
Drunk twilight is the only twilight
Randomize
