he thinks he's going to hurt your feelings
He can't hurt my feelings
I don't have feelings.
We were drinking cognac with TAB. I felt like trailer park royalty.
Hi, my name's audrey!
Max?
Sorry, this girl is phone-stealing drunk.
A relator touring our house this week saw the picture in our bathroom of steven passed out, yellow faced, with BALLS on his forehead, and had to ask "if that kid was alive or dead".
I bought a fake diamond ring to wear, not only to bars to keep the creeps away, but so that I'll be judged less by the front desk girl at Planned Parenthood
Will you please bring me a line of coke at work without asking questions?
Maybe if more guys knew my pillowtalk occasionally includes me scribbling notebook diagrams of cell signalling pathways, I'd get laid more often
I couldn't drink enough to fuck the friend, you said challenge accepted and stole some chicks shot.
Things I have learnt this week: bubble mix is toxic. Extremely toxic.
my balls were so many shades of blue last night I could have used them as paint and replicated the entirety of Picaso's blue period. The girl was an art major I feel like this metaphor is appropriate.
They think its so cute and admirable that I learned French. BITCH HAVE YOU NEVER HEARD OF GOOGLE TRANSLATE? sexting foreign bitches, there's an app for that
I told her I was going to masterbate myself into a coma... We have another date on Thursday.
Either he pets my cat or this deal is null
6 hours ago I jacked off a a guy for $100. I explained it away as "compensation" for gas and tolls. WHAT am I doing with my life? Quickest and easiest $100 I ever made though, haha
My one night stand from last weekend is now taking me on a date this weekend. How is this my life?
Randomize
