First time i ever had an awkward silence during sex.
woke up rolled in a yoga mat listening to enya. I'm never going back to Oregon ever again.
hey dont come home for a while, moms drunk and is telling the story of 'how she met dad at that orgy' again
Well my dea agent brother is visiting so I'm gonna get high and see if he notices
My balls had bee stings let's just leave it at that.
she was puking red wine out the car window, telling me about how shes joining weight watchers tomorrow, not okay.
It's barely 9 am & I've already had an ice cube IN my vagina
Delete her number from his phone. He keeps slurring how he's going to get her "all sorts of pregnant".
Hahaahaah I keep finding little notes you left me on my physics notes... "TOO HIGH FOR BIRDS"
I was expecting a blowjob when she shoved me in the bathroom but instead she shaved my pubes into a mustache for my penis. I am still satisfied.
I'm on the porch day drinking and the neighbor is in his yard screaming about his amazing sandwiches, maybe we should move.
After tacos, we're chasing women.
It's Christmas. You could splurge on something a LITTLE fancier than wine in a box.
i'm trying not to stalk him on facebook
i gave in
Do you think he will let me wear my neck fan while he throws my back out?
Please shut the fuck up.
Randomize
