I'm currently googling how to make a dress out of a trash bag. It's going to be a great night.
You gave me the wrong number last night so I texted someone else something I definitely shouldn't have.
All I remember was the chick screaming "don't hookup with him! His dick's the size of a cucumber"
Well when you're drinking tequila mixed with water out of a steve Austin cup I really don't think acquiring a straw is your main priority
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You just kept shouting "I AM AN ADULT!" until he agreed to carry you home on his shoulders.
I experienced pure joy just moments ago when I looked down and saw that I had another pop tart to consume down my mouth hole.
Idk. I was speaking metaphorically. Go for it. As one of your bad decisions, I feel confident in saying you've done worse.
I'm missing a sock, a boot, and antlers. We need to get on that.
My brother and I have had one conversation in the past like 3 weeks and it was about what it would be like as a sentient butt plug
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It's not as funny as it sounds. I shit myself at the company Christmas party.
not sure what the chiropractor did but my junk deserves a cape now.
He asked if I was a pirate because my "arrrrrrrrse" was worth burying. 10/10 for effort, 20/10 for serial killer vibes.
Remind me to NEVER AGAIN mix beer with tequila with beer with whiskey with vodka with rum with vodka.
Like if I exploded right now there would be cum and fajitas everywhere.
Randomize