Our Neighbors are trying to steal our ducks!
This is your typical "sorry i got drunk and tried to seduce you into having sex while you were throwing up" text.
I need to take "lollipop" off of every single one of my playlists cause it makes me wanna suck dick.
This is worse that I thought. He's playing violin for me.
The fact that I pulled something plastic out of my mouth after taking that shot is starting to concern me.
You rode him down the last flight of stairs like a human sled.
On that note I give you a 10 for sticking the landing and staying on the whole ride.
Why did I just find out you and Andrew had sex right next to my face when I passed out on the beach?
At the time it seemed romantic and its also extremely frowned down upon to leave a passed out person by themselves in an unfamiliar place.
Why did I wake up by myself then?
we need to find a way to be drinking champagne 24/7
We were like ok let's be eachothers maid of honor and then you were like "ok see you at the wedding" and walked away
He was 6'8" - I shit you not! He sat up in my bed and the ceiling fan got him right in the forehead.
The night took a wrong turn after I found you smoking a blunt with a midget behind the bar...
Apparently someone was hiding in a storm drain dressed as Pennywise from it and offering passersby free penis enlargement pills.
I feel like a dancer trapped in the body of a math instructor. Love, Mom
Be there in a sec. We have to stop at Target to buy her underwear first.
I'm fine. Heading home now...crying. Michael Bolton totally understands me!
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