If a guy called my cleavage "mesmerizing" but is kinda related to me, does it still count?
Discovered the coffee filter hasn't been changed in a while. I believe the mold has hypnotic properties. Would try it again, but coffee vomit is not pleasant.
im just gonna turn drinking alone on new years into a tradition
I just ate nachos topless with a fork. Live with meeee
she went apple picking. why dont we do cute things like that? let's go to a pumpkin patch!
because we're not cute. we're sluts. and sluts don't go apple picking.
I think I told some stripper my friend owned Groupon Last night
Also, the wait staff kept prematurely clearing my Manhattans. Not sure if it was an oversight or a hint.
you dipped you banana in queso last night.
Can I sell my birth control in a yard sale?
Dave when you find that upper decker at your house its from me but its for Jill not you
Alls I wanted was a fun New Years but I end up fingering a geico sales representative on a futon and giving her a ride to work the next morning
She's like the King Midas of sexual confusion. Everything she touches turns to gay.
We should try to put a bagel on your penis
I'm still alive btw, in case you were worried about my well being.
You'll be pleased to know I just had an elaborate day dream about your penis. you were there too.
Randomize
