Happy Easter!!!
I'm an idiot
That bus ride was like a tour of all the bushes I puked behind last night
Tonight we are playing Scuba-Keg. Getting keg now. I'll explain when i get home.
I feel like my vagina stays drunk longer than the rest of me. It's always super sensitive and hungry the day after drinking.
I just used dish soap as body wash. I smell like a dishwasher exploded. isn't the end of the semester fun?
there are chunks of pepperoni under the sheets. can you be here in 10? breakfast in bed?
Postcard from jail please. Reserving a spot on my fridge.
My dick was almost in plain McDonald's sight
First night of sleeping in the same bed, and she farted on me. I immediately excused myself and went home. Don't know if we're still together. Will update you.
Listen, if I miss the flight to Vegas because she's still rimming my ass, it will have been worth it.
I hope Trump leaves Planned Parenthood alone for at least another month. The week got away from me. #whorelando
Don't forget to bring $1s for the strippers. Make it rain!!!!
Thanks, mom, will do
On a scale of "huh, that's interesting" to "holy porn stars, batman". How good?
Definitely closer to "holy porn stars, batman".
Just an fyi, you also tried to wrangle a peacock last night.
Where'd you go?
Laundry, im. A responsible drunk
Randomize
