Oh fyi, I gave your card to a homeless guy last night and told him you were the world's hottest blonde girl who only likes black men...Sorry
5 years of college and never once did they teach us how to respond when you overhear a group of 7th grade boys who are in your class talking about how you're definitely DTF
children are so perceptive these days... and horny
I fucking hate vegan toaster pastries. You don't fuck with poptarts. It's like baseball...it's the backbone of american sport and you don't change it. Poptarts are the backbone of american fatasses and you don't just go changing them.
If God's watching us, we might as well be entertaining
come over
yeah sure
wait who is this again? my contacts got deleted...but tell me and ill be there in 10
Did you really end last night's sexting with "Stay thirsty my friend"?
Just hooked up with a girl I met in line at Taco Bell. I told you leave me to do my own thing and I'll get it in
I don't even know man. I was to busy having beer showered on me and grabbing some balls
I need Jameson.
Yea? How do you think I feel? Your job during the delivery is to keep that flask ready. The moment our kid pops out, I'm taking a shot.
my head feels like a yellow yolk spinning in a circle at the bottom of the bowl.. i may have a concussion, love auto correct
Children cease to be precious when they crap their shorts in the pool I exercise at.
You fucked two dudes in the same night and still went home to your cats. How does that happen?
I woke up at 6 and was laying at the top of my stairs.
Sometimes having a penis is like having a really stupid drunk best friend. You see it doing dumb shit but you're just not the one in charge.
sad thing: we were only a shot away from an orgy. good thing: we all got laid.
Randomize
