Last night was an abortion. I might need a publicist.
I just puked in an auto zone parking lot. I'm never eating peanut butter and red wine for dinner again.
my feelings for you are synonymous with those of a grizzly bear and salmon. i don't want to nom on you; but i need you to survive
I wont be hard to find. Im wearing a darth vader mask and I have a megaphone.
Are you dead or are you taking another 13 hour nap? you need to let me know these things ahead of time so i dont worry.
drunk guy next to me on the train just tried to share his pizza with me
he just tried to feed it to me...i love new york
So much to do, haven't done anything except hook up with sailors and work on my tan.
I made people serenade her before talking to her and went on a condom run. If I'm going to be in the friend zone, I'm going to be its fucking king.
There's times when I just want to bottle my farts for later they're so insane.
He finally delivered on the dick pic, and Jesus Christ, it was worth the wait.
this place is dumb. no one understands my Sunday morning alcoholism here.
I can already feel the hangover I'll be having on New Year's Day. I don't know if I'm prepared for this.
I spent last night dying strippers pubes green and landscaping shamrocks. That is why hands look like I squashed a leprechaun.
walked into my room this morning clutching two empty bottles of sminoff to find my roommate's ultra conservative parents staring at my posters of naked men. fuck parents weekend.
So I'm never gonna get to see you again?
Hopefully.
Randomize
