dude, it should not be this hard to find a bottomless mimosa on a friday morning
Just opened a bottle with my rape whistle. At least it's finally getting used for something.
drunk me just left notes all around the apt to remind shitfaced me that i have mashed potatoes in the fridge. do not take them down if you come home before me.
Im dating a 38 year old who's lap I can fit in. Tell me I don't have daddy issues.
Every time I stand up, gravity punches me in the tits. This is horrible.
i was completely deserted.. so i stood outside starbucks for 20 minutes trying to convince the employees to open early and take care of me.. fuck you guys
He asked me what I wanted the cake to say and I then asked him if "I'm sorry for throwing up in your bed last night" was too long. He said it was...
He just sent me the contact information about getting the Zebra for graduation...
Hey, so I'm not coming into work til Friday. Some guy I've known for about 8 hours just offered me a free vacation to Maui and bought my plane ticket. He's Aussie so I'm 75% sure he won't murder me
I know we were going to go hiking today, but I don’t think I can face reality until Wednesday
My hair tie broke, stole my one-night stands daughters pink sparkly one. BEST hair-tie I have ever used...
I just had to ask my drug dealer to "keep it simple for me". Is this a new low?
We've done worse things
I'm completely creeped out. He's dressed as me. And thinks it's funny.
MY DINNER LAST NIGHT CONSISTED OF SEMEN AND A PROTEIN SHAKE... MY TRAINER WOULD BE PROUD I DIDN'T HAVE CARBS!
I'm too horny to sleep. I need some violent sex to wind me down.
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