Skipping work because i'm still too drunk from last night still. got home at midnight and passed out in front of my door for 2 hours bc i couldn't find my key
had to call my rooommate to let us in. Passed out in my dress and found the key on my hair tie-in my hair- just now.
omg, I know. It's so embarrassing that we've both had his penis in parts of our bodies
Hey a mouth doesn't really count. A vagina counts more.
You should probably wake up already as I have yet another story for you. Teaser? Blood from knife wound. Tequila. Guitar hero. Kitchen counter. Lawyer.
Just caught my first cougar this fake was worth every fucking penny.
You broke into someone's house and stole a pan of lasagna.
He told me I was a pleasure to arrest. That's the 2nd time I've heard that.
Y'all best leave this "I can only have a couple drinks" shit at the door. U don't drive to Yukon to have a shot. I'm getting u fuckers drunk.
Adults smoke weed in footie pajamas man. You just gotta accept me for who I am.
Get up, biotch, before I come traipsing in there to rip apart whatever god-forsaken spoon you have going on between the two of you and your dog.
All is fair in love and war and toga parties
I have stickers all over my boobs and a lump the size of china on my forehead. today has not been good.
I just lifted up my shirt to scratch my stomach n a Dorito flew out of my pullover n it legit scared me when it hit me.
The last thing I remember is goading each other into a vodka-chugging competition.
Just leave a note saying "riding dick see you in the mornig"
Today will be the day I throw up in my backpack in the middle of class
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