she has a tiny mouth but huuuge vocal chords
My only options right now are Herpes, Gay, or Vanilla.
The vomit I understand but how is there seaweed in my bed?
Imagine the time you most wanted to kill yourself. Now add a room full of jail bait and no booze. Multiply that by a million.
Delete her number from his phone. He keeps slurring how he's going to get her "all sorts of pregnant".
Better than last year. I didn't wake up to an after thanksgiving human shit on my living room floor. I think it's a sign I'm growing up at almost 30.
I filled two of the glass ornaments in my mom's bathroom last night with vodka. That way no one sees me drinking on Christmas. Alcoholic or genius? All I know it makes bathroom trips frequent and enjoyable.
I don't drink so I see St. Patty's as an LSD type of day. Its like a more hardcore 420
He just compared our sex to a grand slam on Wii fitness
You're doing it right
My frontal lobe is being piloted by Jack Daniels right now.
Last night I had a sex dream about Trudeau, he hasn't even been prime minister for 24 hours
My liver is preforming stress tests.
Found an elderly homeless guy with a Gandalf beard passed out on my porch. I put a Santa hat over his erect dick cause he was naked.
We found you in the bathroom at 1AM throwing money into the toilet making wishes. That drunk.
.... Seriously?
She called a 10 year old handsome and we gave her a look that was equal parts confused and “what the hell is wrong with you”
Randomize
