i did the 'picked up item' thing from zelda when i jizzed on her face
so you're single again?
yea but it was worth it
Omg I'm so stupid. All the peoples fb status that said "spain" I thought they were all going to spain.......
I'm still not a hundred percent.. I haven't shit anything solid in two days.. I have pulled my puker muscles and I can't take deep breaths cuz of other unidentified muscles/maybe heart attack
at one point he couldn't find his underwear so he put on my catsuit to go to the bathroom
Did you guys seriously let me trade my id for a kebab last night??
Piecing together the sordid story from witness accounts and photographic evidence, courtesy of Fcebook. My night included Mojitos, lighting the bar on fire and declaring myself the Queen of Nerds when I stole someone's flashing tiara. Woke up this morning with a velvet cape and plastic scepter to match. Mojitos are awesome!
He walked into the pizza shop... Pulled the fire alarm.. And proceeded to dance to it...
Ok ladies its the usual spring break system. 5 for a guy, 10 for a non-lesbian girl and double points is its a group thing. Hottest guy of the day is an additional 15. GAME ON
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
think I signed up for a 5k last night while blackout.
blowjobs from left handed girls are noticably better than from righties. these are the most important things I've learned this semester
there's people who respect me enough not to bang on my bed and i think that's beautiful
I'm 22 and I'm drinking hawaiian punch from a sippy cup. Everything is right in the world.
You showed me your butthole that's like a mating call in other species
I don't know how to explain to you that you tried to recreate the bit from the Dana Carvey show where a guy dressed as Bill Clinton breastfeeds a bunch of puppies
Randomize
