My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
Maybe i should go to church more so i can meet girls like in that song, you know, the ones that act slutty on every day but sunday...
ah, so the catholic church. i gotcha
I just masturbated to the audio from my psych lecture . . . this screwing my prof fantasy is getting serious.
Hangover Status: I've been bedridden longer than that kid from The Secret Garden. It's not looking good.
I just woke up in bed, rolled over, and found a whole pizza.
this is the second day in a row.
Oh. Yeah. It's the same pizza then.
You told me to ditch them in the park, and when she jumped onto the car to stop us, you told me to scrape her off against a parked Jeep. That drunk.
The cops raided her house the day before class even started
Those assholes are becoming so efficient
Well, I found the missing blow... in my fucking suitcase... THIS MORNING. Yeah, I flew from FL to NY with blow in my suitcase yesterday.
I told you to check, dude
Yeah, AFTER I checked my bag and I was already sitting on a plane. Oh well. I figured worst case I'd do like 15 hours in county and I was totally prepared for that anyways. I always prepare for that when we hang out.
Woke up to a note written on my hand that read "just because he kisses you, doesn't mean you have to sleep with him"
next time, write it on your vagina so its more effective.
I woke up this morning with a sharpie tramp stamp. Pretty sure it's a picture of a squirrel.
You're asking your pregnant booty call to go to a funeral with you?
I am about five seconds from ripping off my clothes and throwing myself into the ocean to become a mermaid
So my POF profile is full of Archer references. Only guys who get them will be getting any response to their messages.
There's nothing wrong with using cocaine to keep my heart rate up in my fitness class.
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
Randomize
