my dad just told me that a lesbian kissed my mom at a bar last year
I just paid $5 for a shot of el toro and the bartender wasn't even hot. Rock bottom.
There are not one, but two women wearing my boxers on the couch right now. You need to wake the fuck up.
and i had to drink on "never have i ever unsuccessfully tried to seduce a virgin ginger"
I seriously might throw up right now. In class. Sunglasses on. I'm getting too old for this.
I've just never had a dinner guest strut in, go directly to my bathroom, vomit.. then come out demanding whiskey and food.
not much sitting here stoned eating my little sisters halloween candy and judging each individual hersheys candy bar and after much deliberation by the selection committee the original hersheys chocolate bar won
Got a handy at the foam party. Took girl home. Banged her. Thanked her for foam handy. "what handy?"
He is stood at the top of the stairs nursing the stolen cat
i seriously haven't spoken to him since i drunk dialed him and told him i loved his beard
Well he was saying something about being emotionally unavailable since his dad died, but then I blew him in a tree and he shut up
Just found my glass of wine on top of the litter box. Every argument ever is invalid.
he asked if he should bring the trash can into the room.. apparently i shoved my finger all over his face and said.. shhhh dont talk... just take your pants off.
what do you mean he's functionally heterosexual
because he's a firefighter, wouldn't sleeping with him be like saying thank you to the community?
Randomize
