Im listening to a jazz version of dick in a box.
A university police officer just hhigh fived me when i drunkenly stumbled into Aderhold. Fucking 5 o'clock somewhere.ITS IN CASABLANCA RIGHT NOW! TIME ZONES!
you kept saying "no santa, im not having sex with you. it's not your holiday".
Come over. Drunk tacos.
That isn't even a sentence.
I kept the important parts.
Sadness tears and throw up everywhere
He dared me to drink a bottle of olive oil in exchange for a 30 pack... So much for loosing the freshman fifteen this year.
He told me that if I were a guy he'd go gay for me. Honestly don't know how to take that.
When he sent me a picture, I swear my vag frowned. That tiny.
Well, thats the first guy to go to jail because of my vagina
Post that event on your timeline
I'm going to take a nap so I don't feel like a stripper sneezed in my mouth tomorrow morning at work.
You know you've got awesome issues when the main deciding factor of whether or not to cut your nails depends on nacho consumption in the near future
I'm not going to be your wingman while you are in the hospital.
My mother just made an innapropriate gesture with a cucumber while grocery shopping at whole foods... Then she said "bitches love cucumbers" and all this time i thought i was adopted
like are we talking 'quick beer' bad or 'break out the real vodka' bad
He just jumped up off the couch, screamed "ITS OVER NINE THOUSAND!" And then attempted to fly out the window like a bird. I don't know nor do I care to know what just happened
Randomize
