wakey wakey hands off snakey
i just got a Mexican deported. not sure how to feel.
When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
I feel like im in a tornado of daylight savings, tequila and death
he had a sign stolen from the tennis court hanging above his bed that said, "please limit play to one hour while others are waiting"
I would not wish his dick upon my worst enemy
Can we just ponder our lives for a second.
No I think my brain may implode in a puff of cocaine and sparkles.
I got to explain to the guys at work today how i had no choice but to go to a gay bar because I was handcuffed to a lesbian.
pro-tip: weed infused snickerdoodles are far less conspicuous to eat at work than brownies. no one ever suspects the snickerdoodle.
True freedom is running around a sex club in former power plant in Berlin wearing a boots, a jock
We need to make boob twerking a thing. I feel like that's why vine was invented
Seriously, fuck work.
uh yea I'm curled up in the trunk of my car
I mean seriously, she can have his dick anytime and im over here salivating like a thirsty bitch.
The fact he has had a girlfriend for 5 years and they are trying to work it out isn’t going to stop me from sleeping with him. He said it himself you can’t cheat on someone you love...
Reminder to self: never have sex on a trampoline. Trampoline burn hurts worse than carpet burn.
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